Heartbreak

I had been looking forward to Wednesday's doctor's appointment for a very long time, very nervous, anxious and mostly excited, i was expecting it to be routine, I had never had a normal ultrasound so early in my pregnancies, Out in Lansing they didn't check for a heartbeat or anything until 12 weeks, so I was really excited to get to see the little bean so early. I have been feeling very pregnant, soreness, swelling, sick, hungry all the time, emotional mess, I felt normal. I ask all my questions about food, and activities, teeth whitening and working out questions, i tried to get a hold of nick and let him know that they were going to do the ultrasound cuz he said he would come right over, but his phone has been acting up so none of my calls were going through, i told the nurse that he owed me some flowers and laughed it off..... said this was our third so it was nothing he hadn't seen before, we knew what we were doing, this was an old hat for us. Then like 2 seconds after the dr started he sighed and said he didn't think he had good news for me, On the screen, the image that has been burned into my head for the past few days, was this little sac, with nothing in it, no baby, no heartbeat, no movement, empty.... empty?? that means no baby?? Wow, So as it has been explained to me, they aren't sure what happened, if the baby passed a while ago and the placenta kept growing, or if it was something else. the sac is about the size of a strawberry. He said that eventually my body would recognize that there was something wrong and then miscarry.... miscarry??? wow.... but I am 9 weeks right now, or I should be, well my body thinks I am. I don't understand how my body could do that to me, it knows what a baby is, we've done this before, how could it lie to me, lie to me in my weight gain, in my protruding belly, in my awesome chinese food cravings, how could it break my heart like that, 9 weeks is a long time to lie to someone.
In the blur that was the hours after the ultrasound i came home and broke. as i sobbed into my hubby's chest, we discussed our options. The dr told me that we could wait till it happened naturally, or do a d&c and finish it as soon as we could. At first i was appalled by the thought of ending it, but the more i thought about it, could i emotionally handle sitting and waiting to loose the baby?? waiting to start bleeding? when would it happen?? how bad would it hurt?? really bad as i understand, I just didnt know, so we decided to wait and think it over a day or two. once that was decided i got up to go to the bathroom and i just sat there thinking, "get ouuut of me" that was when i knew that i probably wouldnt be able to emotionally handle the wait, the when, the what if, I need it to be done so that i can heal and move on.
It hurts, my heart, real bad. people keep asking if i'm ok? the only answer i have right now is no. I'm really not okay, not at all. I'm sad, very very sad. I'm angry, i feel betrayed. it hurts to breathe. my lungs feel heavy
Another real hard part for me is telling everyone. I was so sure nothing like this would happen that I told everyone i was expecting real early, so its my fault i have to write this big thing and let everyone know what happened, cuz everyone already knows I'm expecting. It makes me feel stupid. and naive. and sad about what people will say. I don't want the sad looks. The I'm so sorry's. i don't know what i want, but i don't want people to pitty me. This is the saddest i have ever felt, I have had some crappy things happen in my life, but this takes the cake. next time i find out I'm expecting I'm going to have to keep it secret until we know for sure that everything is okay..... I get so excited. being a mom is who i am right now, its my whole life right now. it wont always get to be the only thing that defines me, but at this pointt in my life i am proud to be a mom, i love to be a mom, i love my kids with all my heart and i have never been as grateful for my healthy little boys as i am now. I love my husband he is wonderful, he is understanding and he is getting me through my sadness, it hurts him to see me sad, and i can tell. He is exactly what i need right now. He lets me cry when i need to, and holds me when i need it. for as long as I need it, and he will hold my hand later today when they knock me out to finish this nightmare. and he will be right there when i wake up. i couldn't do this without him. or my mom, who when i called and said i need my mommy she came right up. With food in tow. to take care of me and my kids and my broken heart.
I will be okay, i know i can have kids, healthy ones, i have done it before and i will do it again. but this SUCKS. and I'm scared.
I will probably be hiding out for a while. its the perfect month to hibernate, theres no reason to go outside anyways, its cold and nasty, January sucks....