drama

I've decided that i need to be better at putting all my hilarious kid stories somewhere,  and Facebook is a bit too public. i haven't written on here in a year, so there is a lot missing. Where are we now,   Daxon is goin on 2, ember is almost 4, I am 6 months pregnant with surprise baby #5, He is due on daxons birthday, yes another boy....... I am scheduling nick a vasectomy as soon as our tax return is figured out :)

Daxon has been one of the hardest toddlers i have ever had. I love him so crazy much, but he is into everything.  

This weekend started with Nicks car needing to go into the shop.  6 hours later they call and say it is going to be 2300 to fix the main problem, and that the gas tank needs to be replaced which is prolly another 1000 bucks.......  and its undrivable, Nick got a new job this school year, the commute from here is over an hour, about an hour and 20 mins. His car has had a lot of miles put on it, so logically he needs a car,  he is gone from 630am till about 9 or 10pm every night,  with the play and after school activities, and desperatly trying to catch up he has been working really really hard.  its good, im glad he has a job, but i play single mom over here and it is hard too :(  Hopefully we will be moving closer over the summer, which is going to be great.... with a newborn and all......

soooo the car is totally dead, well we cant afford to fix it,  luckily..... coincidentally , the van will be paid off in the next few weeks freeing up some money in the budget.... money i was excited to have for, you know, life... but heavenly father laughed and now nick has a new car. A really nice reliable car, that i am grateful he was able to walk in and get financed (we have his credit finally fixed so its not a big deal) he got a dang nice newer car, low miles, its awesome,  it really is,  and i got really jealous......  like he came home, im happy for him,  i really am,  but then i didnt sleep at all and im just jealous i think....

I was thinking about it before i went to bed,  Nick has a cool motorcycle,  an awesome car, a really nice computer, this awesome tv that cost a bunch,  the ps4 with games on it...... he is buying concert tickets, i cant go, ill have a 4 week old when they are in town,  and im not going to want to leave him.............and what do i have?  then i was thinking... what do i even want?   a new dryer?!?!?!  thats crazy depressing,   then i spiraled into a crazy fit of "I have no identity"   if i didnt have these kids and nick,  i would have nothing,  nothing to talk about,  no interests.... nothing..... When i was dating nick i was interesting,  i had opinions on things,  i had a life,  he fell in love with an interesting person, now,  i try to think,  if i could do anything, have anything what would it be? what do i like?......... chocolate and netflix?!  yikes,   im not my own person.  the people that i talk to i only talk to because they have kids the same age as mine........

So i freaked out on my husband,  sobbing and having lost my identity,  how he is my whole world and if he were gone tomorrow i would be done for..... it is scary to be so completely dependant on another person......  My sweet husband talked me off the ledge......  logically i know that the kids are little for only a short while,   i know logically that someday i will be longing for the day where my world revolved around story times, play groups, scouts, piano lessons......  but right now, today,  it is overwhelming. I feel smothered, like i have lost myself.......... there is no simple answer right now,   i dont even have time or money or the babysitter to go get my hair cut..... what makes it worse is that i was feeling hopeful before i found out i was pregnant again. I was collecting furniture, i was painting,  i was decorating,  i was trying new things, seeing what i could start doing now that i didnt have an infant sucking the life out of me. I know i am blessed to be having another healthy baby,  i am so excited,   i really am,  but at the same time i am a little resentful....... 5 kids is a lot,    way more than i thought i would ever have..... 

My husband reminded me that he is just as dependant on me as i am on him. he cant do this kid thing without me, he doesnt even know how we pay the bills,  where i keep all things in the house..   This life is our life,  not mine and his.... He is amazing,   i love him like crazy,   we are in this together.....  but  this is where i am at today....

I know that raising kids is what i am supposed to be doing right now. I know that i cant stick 5 kids in daycare that would cost a million dollars, and i would rather spend the day cleaning up daxons awful messes than having someone else tell me that he is awful,  and having someone else get to get hugs from him,  he is mine,  those slimey kisses are for me...... and the moments when he says "luvv vooo" make it worth it...... 

But sometimes it gets really heavy.....

6 years from now,   my life will be totally different..... 6 years ago it was way different than it is now..... it flys by.... i love it and i hate it.