Tired

this blog seems to be a good way for me to puke my emotions out and kind of deal with them. I lost another pregnancy last weekend.... saturday, i was about just over 7 weeks.... spent the morning on saturday in the er to see yet again another ultrasound with no heartbeat. There has been so much going on in this last week i feel as though i have had to move on and deal with this a lot quicker than i wanted to. I didnt really get a day to sit and cry. No one really knew, so i guess that's my fault and why its so different from last time. because i havent had to tell people ive lost it. we were in the middle of potty training, nick started a new job on monday, school stuff that had to get done, mothers day, nicks concert on mother's day, birthdays, all in the same 3 days, and then it was just over because i had to pretend for a few days that everything was fine so apparently everything should have been fine. here i sit, back to normal, not pregnant, i was pregnant last week, and now im not,
my heart is so broken, i was not ready for that again, it sucks.
ive spent every day this week that it wasnt raining outside landscaping, digging things up, planting things, pulling weeds, keeps me busy so that i dont have to think about it, think about how i cant go through this again for a while, how badly i want one more baby to finish off my family, how my baby cooper is so not a baby anymore, and i know there is one more baby in my future, guess i dont get to pick when, i thought i had control over when I wanted to get pregnant and have my last baby, i should be able to make that big decision, we should be able to make that decision as a family. I have had 2 healthy pregnancies, why now? 2 in a row? why is there something wrong with me now.... just one more, then my lady parts can break, not yet though, im gonna go back on birth control for a while...... i dunno how long, long enough until i can handle another miscarriage, if it happens again, when it happens again? for now i will just enjoy my summer, being in the best shape ive been since high school, ill be tan, and super skinny*** (as skinny as i can get) lol, ill do yard work, dig up worms with my boys, go swimming and biking, ride on the motorcycle with my super hott hubby, i am one lucky girl, i really am. guess we dont always get what we want, but ive kinda had enough of that in my life... i mean we are living in the in laws basement for cryin out loud, siiiigggghhhh